Why Can't It Be Easy?

About a month or two ago, Todd and I got into a huge argument, and after we both had calmed down, we tried to restore some normalcy to our relationship and routine. The problem was that the issue that caused the argument in the first place still had not been resolved. We spent the next few weeks avoiding the elephant in the room until it grew so big we could barely fit in the room with it.

I was ready to attack the elephant and reclaim my living space, but Todd wasn't. And then I persuaded him to address it before it reached the point of no return he was. So we sat down and we had a long, overdue discussion about us. Our issues. Our fears. Our doubts. He went first, telling me his biggest issues with the relationship. And I listened, asking permission to speak to make sure I didn't cut him off. I responded to his issues, explaining things that he didn't understand. Then, I went. And he did the same. And throughout the conversation, we both acknowledged where we were wrong and agreed to work on those things that bothered the other. And in those areas where we could see the other person's side, but didn't totally agree that we were wrong or they were right, we did the unthinkable - we came up with a mutually satisfying compromise.

And together, we decided to move forward. The End.

Only, a few days later, I couldn't help but feel like it wasn't the end. It was too easy. We both took the high road and handled the entire conversation with class and maturity and worked together to make sure both of our needs were going to be met moving forward. Yet, somehow I still felt unsettled. Maybe I should have yelled, or put my foot down more. Why did I agree to compromise? He's going to think he can walk all over me now. No, I didn't have a particular issue that I felt I was too easy on him with. I just couldn't believe the conversation went so well. And then, I caught myself. Why can't it be easy? Who says that relationships have to be hard? If we both have the same endgame in mind, why can't we work together to get there? Why does it have to be a Me vs. Him scenario?

I am extremely proud of how we handled a delicate and difficult situation. I hope that we continue to handle future situations like this. I hope that we can continue to grow and mature as individuals and a couple and reach a point where we are teammates and not competitors. We are in this for the long haul, and how much easier and more fun it will be if we are side by side for the journey of parenthood instead of at each other's throats.

So, why can't it be easy? Because it definitely doesn't have to be hard.

Momfessions: What Now

As I write this, I'm sitting in bed with a heating pad on my left shoulder. I'm left-handed and right now it hurts to do anything with my arm. And I just wanna cry.

Cry because I feel damaged.

Cry because my body hurts and aches in places and ways I've never known before.

Cry because I can't seem to catch a break.

Cry because I am incredibly stressed.

Cry because I need an outlet.

Cry because I feel as if I have none.

Cry because I feel all alone.

Cry because my f'n dominant arm f'in hurts all the time.

I just wanna smile. I just wanna be happy. Able to see the good in life. I want to be a positive person. But every time I resolve to be a better person, something happens, and I snap. My tolerance for anything is non-existent. And I hate it. So I cry.

I know things come with the territory of being a parent and I know that in life ish happens. But it seems like the two always team up and screw me over and right now I really need to set the reset button. Life's downs and annoyances and trials and tribulations have beat the life outta me and I haven't had a chance to recharge, resulting in a person I don't particularly like or care for. I have less patience for things out of my control. I'm less tolerant of others and their flaws, especially those closest to me. And my ability to properly assess situations is ridiculously horrible - everything is a big friggin deal.

I need a change, a break. I need a solution. I know this ish ain't cool. But what I don't know is, what now?!?

Bah Humbug

For whatever reason, I really wasn't into Christmas this year, and events leading up to and surrounding Christmas really didn't help my mood. At one point, I decided to sit Christmas out. But thinking about the money we had already spent and certain people that were depending on us, I changed my mind.

I'm glad I did. For me, the whole holiday was still kind of just eh, but my girls enjoyed it. And we were able to bring smiles to some faces. And, that outweighs my grumpiness.

I'm sure next year I'll be in a better mood. I'm already deciding that I'm not going to let anything bring me down. I am going to celebrate with enthusiasm with my family.

It's Not Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas

Christmas Eve is almost over and I just keep thinking that it should feel different. My holidays as an adult are completely different from my holidays as a child. Things were easier, more delightful back then. I wish I could revive those moments.

But really.....

I really wish Vera was still alive. The more I live, the more I recognize the difference she made. And, the more I realize that not only was 17 years not enough with her, but I was also too young to appreciate and make the kinda memories I would love to have to reflect on right now.

I am, however, thankful that I never had to see her in an unfortunate light - in my memories, she was the perfect grandmother. And, I wouldn't change that for the universe. I hope my children get the same opportunity with their grandparents.

In a world that is increasingly evil, hurtful and dangerous, it doesn't hurt to have someone that you see as purely good. As a parent, I have to administer tough love and while I'd love to be their blissful happily ever after, I know more than likely it will be the grandparents that win that title. And I'm ok with that. I believe grandparents are God's gift to children and I truly cherish the bond my children have with their grandparents.

And they are fortunate enough to have three sets.

It's Never too Late for Holiday Cheer

This holiday season just hasn't felt very "holiday-y" at the Sparkman household. I'm not really sure why, but we were last minute with everything, including buying and decorating a tree.

Todd and Tempess went on a last-minute daddy and daughter tree shopping trip. When they got back, she helped him decorate the tree with her ornaments. She was so proud of herself and made sure Mommy, Daddy and Baby all knew "I did that!!"

Now she keeps running to the tree, taking ornaments off so she can put them back on.

And here I was thinking we were a bunch of Scrooges.

Temi Talks: Diffcult

Todd (To Tové): Baby, you're being difficult.
Temi: Ma, Baby diffcult.
Me: Tempess, do you even know what difficult means?
Temi: Yeah.
Me: What does difficult mean?
Temi: (Pauses for a second) Uhhh diffcult!

The Hardest Part of Blogging

I started this blog as a way to keep our family and friends connected to Tempess as she grows. I also thought it would be a great avenue to share my experiences as a new parent. I thought it would be filled with lots of "Oh, Tempess just took her first step."  Or "Isn't she adorable eating her first cracker?"  I thought I'd talk a lot about my lack of sleep or the high price of diapers.

I didn't think my experiences would be so deep and hard to share. I didn't think so many outside forces and people would weigh so heavily on my parenting experience. I'm not talking about the "My mom gave her sugar"  or "Todd's mom spanked her against our wishes" kinda outside forces. I'm talking things I never imagined I'd have to deal with, this ish only happens in books kinda stuff. I guess to be fair some of it, I should've seen coming. But, I guess I wanted to give life and people the benefit of the doubt. I wanted so badly to believe parenting wasn't going to be a bad experience that I chose to look the other way. Pretend I wouldn't have to deal with certain things.

But you can only pretend for so long. And I've exceeded my limits, making it hard for me to smile and pretend everything's okay. And since I've exceeded my limits of pretending, I'm also challenged with how much I share with people and how. People I know read this blog, so if I go into too much detail, certain parties may feel I talked too much about them or their situation. I run the risk of oversharing parts of Todd's and my relationship that we don't want to share with the outside. On the other hand, if I share too little, or I'm too vague, then I run the risk of confusing people. So I shut down and I don't share anything. Sharing nothing is easier than sharing too much or too little.

I also have to admit that another reason I don't blog is because I don't want to be seen as a bad mommy, girlfriend, sister, daughter, person. Yes, I make mistakes, but I have nothing but the best intentions and I only want to do what's best for my family. Unfortunately, that can't be done without upsetting people, even those closest to me. I know everyone isn't going to agree with my parenting choices. But sometimes that's hard to accept. It's one thing for my formula-giving, sugar-loving family to give me a hard time for nursing and limiting Temi's sugar intake. It's another when I have to choose between being perceived as a bad daughter or a bad mother. Or when Todd and I disagree on how to parent in a certain situation and I feel like standing my ground makes me a b!tch, but giving in makes me a horrible mother. These are the parenting experiences that are beyond hard. These are the experiences I need to share to get support and advice.

But these are also the experiences that I probably won't blog about* because they have the ability to hurt those I care about and color how the outside world perceives them and me. And that's why blogging is so hard. Because balancing that line of over and undersharing is very, very delicate.

*I say probably because I may decide one day to share some things. Or I may find a way to blog about it that I feel is appropriate for all parties involved.

Momfessions: Pumping

As much as I love breastfeeding, I hate pumping. With. A. Passion.

As Tové gets older, it's becoming harder and harder to stay committed. I would love to offer her only breastmilk after she's one, but I can't say that I'm not welcoming the opportunity to not have to worry about pumping enough milk.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!

Love T4

Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii'mmmmmmmmm Baaaaaaaaaack

Miss me??

I missed you guys. Life kinda caught up with me and before I knew it I was running around like a chicken with her head cut off.
These past two months had a lot going on. Some of which was the culmination of things that were already going on. I won't bore you with the details or get on my soap opera box. What's important is that the girls are great and they are getting so big. Updates and pictures coming soon.

In the meantime, enjoy these Halloween pix.  Much Love!

Temi Talks: I Got This

☆★Today's post is Day 22 of the #31WriteNow blog challenge. I'm posting a new entry every day for the month of August★☆

Tempess had just finished peeing in the potty when she tried to empty the tray into the toilet. Not wanting her to spill pee everywhere, I simply said, "That's okay. Mommy will do it." To which she looked me square in the eye, stomped her foot and loudly proclaimed,  "Mommy I got this!"

Where I've Been

☆★Today's post is Day 20 of the #31WriteNow blog challenge. I'm posting a new entry every day for the month of August★☆

Things have been beyond crazy since Friday and the constant go-go-go finally caught up with me. It doesn't look like things are going to slow down anytime soon, but suck is life. My Cha-Cha slide just got super uptempo.

Everybody clap your hands.

Potty Chronicles: Potty Mama Booboo

☆★Today's post is Day 17 of the #31WriteNow blog challenge. I'm posting a new entry every day for the month of August★☆

We have reached that stage where Tempess is overly ecstatic to use the potty. Where she says she has to potty even though she doesn't. Nana bought her some Elmo panties that she loves and refuses to take off. In retrospect, it's prolly the panties that landed us here. Anyhow, here is where Temi yells Mommy pooottteeeeeee then runs full speed towards the bathroom. Here is where she pulls her pants down, sits on the potty then empties the potty into the toilet all on her own.

She still won't poop in the potty. And she will occasionally have an accident, but I can't help feeling some kinda victorious.

Where Does the Time Go?

☆★Today's post is Day 16 of the #31WriteNow blog challenge. I'm posting a new entry every day for the month of August★☆

Today is August 16. Which means Tempess is 23 months old today. Which means in exactly 31 days she will be 2 years old.

Where does the time go?

It seems like just yesterday I brought her home from the hospital. Now she is being potty trained and learning her letters, colors, numbers. She's bossing around everyone around her and being a real delight. And I mean that with the utmost sincerity. There aren't enough words to describe the joy she has brought and continues to bring to my life. I love watching her grow. But I can't help but wonder:

Where does the time go?

The Magic of Making Milk

☆★Today's post is Day 15 of the #31WriteNow blog challenge. I'm posting a new entry every day for the month of August★☆


I breastfeed Tové. I breastfed Tempess. Yet, I'm still amazed when I get to witness myself making milk. It may be sophmoric, immature, simple-minded, whatever. I still find myself in awe every time I see milk coming from my body.

Bear with me. As children, we're taught that milk comes from cows. I've seen cows being milked in movies, TV shows, cartoons. I'm sure somewhere as a child, I witnessed a human mom breastfeeding her child. But if I did, I can't recall it. My earliest memory of anyone nursing is at the age of 16. That's the earliest I can recall ever being introduced to the idea of breastfeeding.

I remember the first time I squirted in the shower. Man that shot far. Wow. Whenever I pump and I get what I think is a good amount, I feel like I just won some type of Olympics. Hey babe! Look how much milk I pumped. This was all from ONE breast at ONE sitting. I probably should be over the amusement because I exclusively breastfed Tempess and am currently exclusively breastfeeding Tové.

WRONG.

A trip to the ER for a ruptured cyst and raw nipples have me pumping and dumping and taking a break from the pump for a few days. So I'm hand expressing milk. Nowhere near as efficient as nursing - or even, dare I say it, pumping. And because hand expressing leaves me with no free hands to occupy myself while making milk, I'm forced to watch myself make milk. And again, I find myself easily amused by the patterns the streams of milk make, the velocity in which it exits my nipples, the changes in consistency that happens, etc. This stuff is really magic. It's amazing to think that not only is my body capable of creating a tiny human and then delivering that tiny human into the world, but my body is also capable of sustaining said tiny human too.

Don't get me wrong, this magic isn't always easy. In fact, it's been harder the second time around. But it's been magic nonetheless.

Long Days, Short Posts

I had a topic to talk about today, but nothing went as planned and now I'm tired. That so tired your muscles ache tired. Tomorrow is another day. Another opportunity. Night y'all!

It Takes A Village

☆★Today's post is Day 13 of the #31WriteNow blog challenge. I'm posting a new entry every day for the month of August★☆

As I deal with daily life, I realize more and more how important our relationships are. We need a support group that helps us destress. As parents, we occasionally need a break. Without appropriate stress releasers, we become overstretched rubber bands ready to pop. And a popped rubber band is useless.

When I look back on my childhood, I remember the people that were around. I have memories of my grandparents, cousins, my mom's friends. They were my mom's village. They helped her out with me and my brother. They helped her out with her social life. They helped her out with school. They helped her get through life. They helped her from stretching till she popped. They helped her not be useless.

Life and parentdom look a lot different than what I remember they looked like for my mom. Which means I need a different kind of village than she had. But I need a village. I don't want to be useless. Not to my kids. Not to my friends. Not to myself. So I'm working to build my village. Because it doesn't just take a village to raise a child. It takes a village to sustain a person.

And thank you to those invaluable village people that have already claimed their territory in my life.

The Joys of Mommydom

☆★Today's post is Day 12 of the #31WriteNow blog challenge. I'm posting a new entry every day for the month of August★☆

My alarm went off this morning, and like 95% of y'all out there, I dismissed it. Skip snooze. I wanted more than an extra 10-15 minutes. I NEED IT.

Unfortunately, I have another alarm that I can't set or snooze. So at 5:30 a.m., Tové woke me screaming at the top of her lungs.

Ugh! Why is she up so early?

I went and got her from the crib, came back to the bed and started feeding her.

Maybe she'll go back to sleep and I can get a few more minutes in.

I looked down and I was met with the BIGGEST smile ever. Who needs Folgers when you have 11 lbs and 2 dimples of genuine giggles and coos? All of a sudden, I was no longer frustrated, irritated or tired. (Too bad that all wore off as soon as I got in the car.) For about 20 minutes, it was just me and Tové and nothing else mattered.

These are the moments that make mommydom worth it.

I Gave Y'all My Word

☆★Today's post is Day 11 of the #31WriteNow blog challenge. I'm posting a new entry every day for the month of August★☆

This challenge is becoming increasingly hard. Life happens and before I know it, the day is over and I haven't posted anything. However, my mama always said, "Your word is your bond." And since I gave my word that I will post everyday in August, I'm going to post everyday in August. I am going to try to work through some things this week, so that my posts are more about life as a mom, the lessons I'm learning,  and of course my two treasures (because let's face it, that's why y'all keep coming back - to see more of them).

Till tomorrow,
Peace. Love. Hair Grease

When Plans Go Unexpectedly

☆★Today's post is Day 10 of the #31WriteNow blog challenge. I'm posting a new entry every day for the month of August★☆

A little *humorous* reminder that even when we plan, the unexpected can still happen.

Because It's Friday

☆★Today's post is Day 9 of the #31WriteNow blog challenge. I'm posting a new entry every day for the month of August★☆

Temi dressed me today, well, because:
1. She wanted to.
2. She was so serious about it.
3. It made her happy.
4. And heck, it's Friday!

Happy Friday from T4! ♡♥♡♥

Time Management

☆★Today's post is Day 8 of the #31WriteNow blog challenge. I'm posting a new entry every day for the month of August★☆

Lately I feel like I've become part of the zombie apocalypse. I am on a constant tank of E. There's very little energy and very little time to recharge. Between the commute getting me and Todd to work, cooking, cleaning, loving on Tempess, feeding Tové, and Tempess waking up in the middle of the night, there's just no time.

I had a routine and it was working great. Then I got sick. Then entered the third uncomfortable trimester. Then we moved. Then I delivered Tové. Then I was adjusting to Mommydom x 2. Then I went back to work. And now it's hard as hell getting back into a routine. I'm just tired. And sore. All. The. Time.

Where's the magical time management pill that lets me get everything done in 12 hours with 12 hours to myself?

Broken Links: Distance and Family

☆★Today's post is Day 7 of the #31WriteNow blog challenge. I'm posting a new entry every day for the month of August★☆

My childhood was full of memories of family gatherings. I don't think we ever had an empty house. If it wasn't a cookout, then Vera had taken someone in. Our house had a revolving door. Cousins were raised like siblings and everyone was always just a drive away. I spent more weekends in Michigan than I did at home.

I never knew what that meant until now. Even when I lived in Kansas, I wasn't as isolated as I am now. And it's not just me. My family is full of half-truths gathered from piecing together stories of what's going on with each other. It's sad when you factor in that everybody and their mama has a Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, etc. There really should be no excuse for not knowing. And yet there is.

It's crazy how there are more broken links and distance between everyone now than there has ever been.

Me Time

☆★Today's post is Day 6 of the #31WriteNow blog challenge. I'm posting a new entry every day for the month of August★☆

I struggle daily with finding the balance between mom, girlfriend and Taija. I was Taija before I was anything else, except a daughter. But friend, sister, employee, girlfriend, mom. Those all came later. So you would think that being Taija, taking care of me would be the easiest thing ever.

Not so much.

It's so easy for me to get caught up in taking care of the girls or trying to do things that make Todd smile that I look up and I'm tired, but I haven't done one thing for me. Todd has called me out on it a few times. Recently, I gave him some much-needed game time. After which, the following convo took place:

Me: I can't give you an hour everyday, especially when I go back to work, but I could probably do 15 minutes of just making sure the girls don't bother you so you can unwind after work. Is that good enough? Do you need more?
Todd: Awwww thanks babe, but you don't have to do that. Maybe an hour or two on Friday or Saturday. Plus if you give me 15 minutes everyday, when are you gonna take your 15 minutes? Don't you need time to yourself too?

I was stuck. I definitely need Taija time. I just hadn't thought about taking it.

It's nice to know that he recognizes and understands I'm more than just "Mama" and his girlfriend and that I need to re-energize too. Even if I don't always recognize that.

Everybody, Do the Shuffle

☆★Today's post is Day 5 of the #31WriteNow blog challenge. I'm posting a new entry every day for the month of August★☆

By nature, I'm a thinker, planner, fixer, dreamer. I get an idea, then I brainstorm how to make it happen. I run into a problem, I come up with a plan to fix it. (Unless I can't fix it, then I lose control. I don't do well with what I can't control.)

Since I got pregnant with Tempess, I have been determined not to listen to all the naysayers who said life would suck because I was a mom before I was 45. I believe my children are blessings (even when they make me want to play Hide and Don't Seek). I also believe that Todd and I don't have to give up on our dreams, desires and goals just because we are unexpected parents. We just have to find a different approach.

And find a different approach, we have been doing. Or at least trying to. It's hard. Every time we have a plan, every time we think we've figured it out, something happens to knock us off our feet. Or at least make us stumble like Drunk Uncle Charlie. And so we do the infamous life shuffle.

One step forward. Two steps back. One step to the left. Slide to the right. Now ChaCha....oh wait that's the ChaCha slide. Sure feels like our life right now.

But as we both keep reminding each other:
It's only temporary. Things WILL get better.

Writing to Write

☆★Today's post is Day 4 of the #31WriteNow blog challenge. I'm posting a new entry every day for the month of August★☆

I dont really have anything to write about today. Today was a good day. Went to church online. Went to a comedy show I had signed up for and it turned out to be awesome.

Today was a good day.

Life Lessons...The Hard Way

☆★Today's post is Day 3 of the #31WriteNow blog challenge. I'm posting a new entry every day for the month of August★☆

Today was one of those days where I was reminded of the importance of caring for me first. I get so wrapped up in my girls that I hardly take time for myself. I'm guilty of putting everyone else before me.

Today was also one of those days where I was reminded that life is out of my control. Sometimes no matter how much I try to plan or protect or do what I think is best, sometimes things still don't go as planned. I like things to be perfect. I like them to be the best. To be how I planned them. I don't do well with things I can't control.

Today I wasn't in control. And I lived. Tomorrow's another day.

Career Woman vs. Mom

☆★Today's post is Day 2 of the #31WriteNow blog challenge. I'm posting a new entry every day for the month of August. Join me! ★☆

Years ago, I was talking to my supervisor about long-distance relationships and marriage when she told me that I wouldn't sacifice my career for the man I loved. You see,she was in the middle of a crossroads - she loved her job but she hated doing the long-distance thing. She could easily get jobs closer to home, but they wouldn't offer what she currently had. So she chose her career and prayed daily that a position would open up in the company that moved her closer to her boo. I was the same, she argued. She could see it in my eyes and my dedication to my internship that, I too, would make the same choice.

"You are dead wrong!! Your job should never come before those you love." That's what the fairytale romantic inside me was screaming at the top of her lungs.

But my supervisor was right. When it came my time to make the proverbial choice, I packed up and moved 12 hours away. Of course I talked it over with my boyfriend at the time, but in the end love wasn't enough for me to throw away my career. Especially when "love" had no place for me to live, no signs of putting a ring on it anytime soon and no means to pay my bills that my internship was barely covering. At the end of the day, I couldn't settle careerwise just to be close to the one I loved. Because let's face it, if it was true love, it would conquer all - even 12 hours. Things didn't work out the way I planned or hoped, but I never regretted that decision. I know that I did what I thought was in my best interest long-term with hopes that I'd be able to provide and enjoy the future I dreamed of. I loved my job. It was my baby, my pride and joy. It kept me going in a town where I was all alone.

Fast forward a relocation, layoff and two children later, and I am more than willing to settle careerwise to be close to the ones I love. When it comes to Tempess and Tové, I'd give up everything for them without thinking twice. At the same time, I still have hopes and aspirations. I have financial goals I want to achieve. I have pride in my work. (Who wouldn't want to see their story make the cover of a magazine?)

And so the Career Woman and the Mom in me duke it out daily. Some weeks, the mom wins and I'm all about my home, my family, trying to stay at home. Other weeks, the CW wins and I'm looking for ways to grow professionally and learn new skills. Somewhere, there's a nice bakery where the two sit down over pastries and hatch a plan to become partners instead of continually competing. I'm still looking for that bakery.

#31WriteNow...Why Not?

Insomnia plus late night FB scrolling landed me at http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com/2013/07/31writenow-blog-challenge.html. I will admit that before last night, I had never even visited the blog, but she got me with the challenge. The goal of #31WriteNow is to post a blog entry every day in August.

The last time I committed to daily posts were the last few days of my pregnancy when I did the countdown. Those were really just textpics, so creating 31 actual posts will be interesting. I'm looking forward to the challenge.

If you're a writer, join me. Comment below and I'll follow you.

The Big Latch On

I was recently invited to The Big Latch On at Nibbles Cafe to support breastfeeding.The goal is to help communities positively support breastfeeding in public places and increase support for women who breastfeed. I remember feeling isolated because all the women in my family formula fed, so they just didn't get it - the rules, the issues, the fears. I am very pro breastfeeding. I think it's wonderful. Plus it's free. :-) So this Saturday, T4 will be at Nibbles Cafe supporting breastfeeding mamas and enjoying snacks and Elmo. If you're in the Wheeling area, feel free to stop by. If you're elsewhere, you can find locations near you at http://biglatchon.org/.

And Then I Cried

Today was my first day back in the office. I officially returned to work last week, but I worked from home, which wasn't without its own challenges.

I tried to mentally prepare myself the night before. I even went so far as to meal plan and lay out my clothes for the week. I went to sleep and woke up when my alarm went off. I went through my morning routine and I pumped milk for Tové. I didn't get as much as I normally get.

Even my breasts don't wanna go back.

I got to work, did work, and texted Steve to see how the girls were doing. He told me they were good. Tempess was sleep and she did very well with her letters today.

And then I cried.

I missed them. I missed kissing them. Hugging them. Hearing them in the next room while I worked. I missed Temi running up to me for hugs and kisses every time I went to get water or use the bathroom.

So I cried. Then I got myself together. And then I cried some more.

Terrific Twos

Thank You Sesame Street

Tresses: Flat Twists

Inspired by my recent DIY loc quest, I wanted to give Tempess a style that was different from the usual two-strand twists I normally have her rock. I was thinking of giving her braids when I was reminded of my bias against braids. For whatever reason, I prefer twists - always have. They were my preferred style when I joined Team Natural the first time. And once I discovered the flat twist in HS, it was a wrap for french braids.

And so I decided to try my hand at the style below. Not bad for my first time if I must say so myself.

Note: She refused to take a pic without "Baby."

Temi Talks: Poop

Recently, we were at Erica's when lunchtime rolled around. Determined to keep playing, Temi engaged me in the following conversation:

Me: Tempess sit down.
Temi: Mama, noooooo.
Me:  Tempess, it's time to eat. Sit down.
Temi: Ow, poop, Mama, poop.
Me: You pooped?
Temi: Poop. Poop.
Me: Come here. Let me see.

*Temi grins, turns around, backs up and shows me an empty diaper.*

Who taught her that?

Tresses: Molocs

I tried my hand at a mohawk and I'm more than pleased with the end results. I think I can do this.

Tresses: Doing It Yourself

The past few months my loctician has been on some other, making me question if it was worth continuing to make that drive to the south side. Since we moved and the new apt is further than initially anticipated, trips to the shop were less attractive. While I was trying to contemplate what I was going to do, I inadvertently spent a few days playing in my head. Surprisingly, I enjoyed it. And I felt a sense of pride with the results. So I talked to Erica for some tips and after Googling hairstyles, I decided to maintain my locs myself.

Below are my before and after pics with my pipe curls.

Mommydom: the Job that Never Ends

It's hard to believe, but it's already been seven weeks since Tové made her infamous debut into the world. Since that morning, it has been one heck of a roller coaster ride, filled with lots of tears, pains, laughs, smiles, fatigue and dirty diapers.

Before last Saturday, I hadn't been away from both girls for longer than 30 minutes, maybe an hour. They have accompanied me on every family visit and errand run. Thanks to the Moby Wrap and our third floor apartment, I am pretty confident that I will have legs of steel by the time I go back to work. My days consist of pumping, nursing, potty training, colors, ABCs, Elmo, Abby, cooking, cleaning, and I'm pretty sure I'm on a first-name basis with the UPS guy.

And I love it. Yes, it's overwhelming when you have two little people that can't articulate what they want crying for you at the same time. Yes, it gets lonely when your only interaction with people your age is watching Saved By The Bell and Supernatural reruns on Netflix. And OMG, is it tiring when your toddler spends the entire night crying in pain because she has some God-awful hand-foot-mouth disease and when you finally get her to settle down and fall asleep, the newborn has started her night feeding shift, so you average 30 seconds of sleep.

But it's an amazing feeling to look into the eyes of your newborn and feel a connection that can't be put into words. Finding ways to teach your child the basics really challenges your mind in a "I like to solve puzzles" kind of way. There is nothing funnier than the spontaneous laughter that erupts when your child makes the craziest face. Or the pure joy you feel when you experience her excitement over the littlest things. Being home with the girls helps me to appreciate the little things in life. It keeps me focused on what matters most to me.

However, it's not all sunshine and peaches and cream. It definitely has its share of rain and storms. Life as a mom and life with two children is not what I imagined it would be. At times, it's better than anything I could have ever dreamed of. Other times, it's harder than anyone could have prepared me for. And not the dirty diapers, you'll never sleep again kind of hard. It's a deep, this is different than anything I've ever known before kind of hard. I never paid much attention to the ingredient list when buying groceries. Now I'm Googling anything that looks suspicious. I'm constantly worried about doing the right thing and making sure I'm protecting my babies.

I want to be a good mom. I want them to think I'm a good mom. When they're my age, I want them to tell people they have the best mom ever, and mean it. They are at the forefront of every decision I make. And they also cause me a considerable amount of mom guilt. So much so that it can be easy for me to lose myself in them.

And that's how I found myself about to have a meltdown in the middle of my closet last Saturday. Tempess had been sick all week. We thought she was teething at first, but found out she had Hand, Foot, Mouth Disease. Because of the sores in her mouth, her crying was elevated to a new level that no parent that loves their child should ever have to endure knowing there's nothing they can do to help. I was dog-tired because Tempess and Tové were tagteaming me and my heart hurt for my toddler. My mom had offered to babysit them so that we could go out for Todd's birthday, but I didn't feel comfortable leaving her when she was sick. I felt like a bad mom. 

To top things off, after I finally got Tempess to settle down for a nap long enough for me to shower, I came down with theeeee worst chills. Standing in the boiling hot shower that was literally too hot to stand and I was covered in goosebumps. I still didn't know what I was gonna wear but decided it should probably be something thin enough for summer but long enough to provide some warmth if I was gonna have the chills all night.

Standing in my closet, I began to mix and match a bunch of tops and bottoms, trying to find the perfect outfit. Of course, I wanted to be cute, but I also needed comfort and practicality built in. After all I was going to have to take some pumping breaks in between whirlyball and the bars. And if we ended up having to walk to the bars, I didn't need my shoes expiring before I even got to the bar. Todd was ready in five minutes while I was still assessing my options. I grabbed what I had and started the process of trying things on to see how they looked together. First pair of pants wouldn't go past my thighs. *sigh* Second pair, with a little help from jumping up and down and jiggling from side to side got over my hips, but refused to fasten. *sigh* Third pair: SUCCESS! But now they don't go with the top I had on. So I had to change tops. No problem. I'm putting on my shoes when Todd comes in: "Are you sure you want to wear those. I don't think heels are a good idea for whirlyball. You should wear flats." *big f'in sigh* These pants were not made to be worn with flats. And we were already late for dropping the girls off to my mom.

And with that came, a huge meltdown. I realized that my options for outfits were limited. All I wanted to do was look cute and go out and have some fun. This was much simpler when I didn't have to factor in engorgement, pumping, mid-section pudges, the fact that my weight has been deflating and ballooning for the past three years or not knowing how my once cute and comfy heels would feel on my feet after 10 months of pregnancy. Yes, going out for a night on the town was much simpler before I was a MOM.

I quickly grabbed a pair of my bigger jeans, hoped they'd fit, tied a belt around them so I wouldn't have plumber's butt and ran out the door. On the way out, I glanced in the mirror and thought: "I look like such a mom." I definitely didn't achieve the look I was going for and on top of that, the sweater that I was wearing did nothing for the chills I was still battling with.

I could avoid mirrors all night, but my breasts refused to let me forget that I was still a mom of a newborn the entire night. And with that I came to the realization that I can change the way I dress, I could send the girls away, but I couldn't stop being a mom. It's the one job that doesn't come with PTO benefits. And my closet isn't okay with that.

I love being a mom, but I'm not just a mom. And trying not to fall into that trap is hard.

When Dad's Away, the Girls Will Play

We were supposed to have a girls only playdate since Todd would be away having a guys only playdate (i.e. bachelor party festivities). Our plans fell through so we ended up just staying in, but we all looked cute doing it. It felt good to be surrounded by two healthy girls again.

Dear God: Tantrums

The Many Faces of Tempess and Tové

I feel like I've been slacking in the picture taking department, but here are a few candid shots of the girls. They are the cutest little things. At least Mommy thinks so.

When Business Meets Pleasure

Back in March, I interviewed a CPA for a feature for the magazine. In April, I met with his business manager for lunch. And today, these came for me all the way from Ohio. :-)

Happy Mother's Day!!!

From one mommy to all the others!!!

I spent the entire day with the two reasons I'm able to be honored today and it was awesome.

Mommydom Times Two

This is how I've spent most of my days for the past week. Squeezed in there are grabbing a bite to eat or a swig of water before both are taken from me, maybe a quick run to the bathroom and preparing dinner. Anything else is out of the question.

Some minutes I hate it and want to break down and cry. Most minutes I cherish it because I know it won't last forever.

T-Time: And the Winner Is...

Momfessions: Giving Up the Panties

Wal-Mart needs to start selling them....

Daddy Say What?!?!?!: Two Kids

"The way I see it, there's one for you and one for me."

Todd on why two is the perfect number of kids.

Temi Talks: Baby

"Baby! That's baby," grins Temi everytime Tové stirs. Then she tries to kiss her, rub her head or back or feed her chips. She has even tried to help me nurse.

I think she deserves Big Sister of the Year!

God is Good: The Tové Pureza Sparkman Story

Tové Pureza Sparkman

Nine months ago, I took four pregnancy tests that all came back negative and had to push my doctor to do a blood test because she didn't believe I was pregnant. Little did I know that was just the beginning of a pregnancy that would end in a crazy and amazing way.

My HCG levels were incredibly low - they showed I was one week pregnant when I was really at least six. My follow up ultrasound showed two masses - one in my tubes and an empty one in my uterus. There was concern that this was either a tubular pregnancy with a pseudosac inside my uterus or an anembryonic pregnancy, meaning there was a gestational sac but no fetal development and I would eventually miscarry. Turns out the mass in my tubes was a cyst which they removed via laparoscopy, but my HCG levels were still low. Subsequent ultrasounds and prenatal checkups showed that my levels quickly increased and everything was on par to be a low-risk pregnancy.

Thank God!!! I was terrified and worry stayed in the back of my mind the entire pregnancy, although I tried not to focus on it.

Super parents with the super child

Fast forward through nine months of morning sickness, pelvic pain, upper respiratory viruses and stomach flus and Braxton Hicks contractions. I couldn't fall asleep on the night of April 29, 2013. Finally at about 1:30 a.m. on April 30, my eyes closed, but I spent the next two and a half hours tossing and turning trying to get comfortable. Then I felt it. The first contraction. It was more intense the already intense Braxton Hicks contractions I had been feeling for the past three months. It subsided. I feel asleep. Then another one. I could feel the rise, peak and fall of each contraction.

Oh sh!t!! This might be the real deal. I should probably start tracking these.

I grabbed my phone and for the next hour and a half, I tracked contractions. They were roughly 10 min apart, then 7.5 min apart. Between 6 and 6:30 a.m. I had my midwife paged and she called me back. She confirmed it was more than likely the real deal, but to wait until they were five minutes apart before we headed to the hospital. Relax, grab some food, take a bath, she suggested.

They started getting more intense and coming faster. Meanwhile, Tempess woke up and Todd got her dressed. Between contractions, I tried to do her hair. One ponytail at a time. Todd ran me some bath water and I hunched over on the couch, squeezing whatever was in reach while screaming OWWWWWW!!!!! and other inaudible sounds. I got in the tub which helped tremendously! Oh yeah, I can't wait to get to the hospital and do this waterbirth thing. It's going to be amazing! I thought as I was able to breathe through each contraction. Temi who loves baths and playing and water joined me. For about five minutes, it was a beautiful thing. The relief didn't last long as the contractions increased in frequency and I started feeling pressure. That's when I told Todd and he got Temi dressed, for the second time.

I tried to track a few more contractions so that I could let my midwife know exactly how far apart they were. At this point it seemed like they were never ending and the pressure was becoming really intense. I crawled out the tub and into the hallway, called my midwife. It wasn't even 8 a.m. yet. My contractions were about 3.5-4 minutes apart. I told her we were heading out to the hospital and she said she would meet us there.

The rescue team on the scene

Todd went to get the car and get Temi strapped in. I struggled to get dressed and walk out the door. We got in the car and as we were pulling out of the parking lot, I asked Todd for the towel and garbage bag in case my water broke on the way. We realized he had thrown it in the trunk in the midst of us moving. "I'm sure we'll be fine. I doubt my water breaks in the next 20 minutes, let's just keep going. We need to hurry up and get there."

Todd drove like a scene straight from Fast and Furious. Meanwhile, I was grabbing, squeezing and punching anything I could get my hands on. There was lots of screaming and singing "Jeeeeeeeesssssuuuuuusssssss." Managing pain in the front seat of a Ford Focus is surreal and d@mn near impossible. I'm surprised I didn't break the window or the door because I'm sure I punched the heck out of both. We got off 290 at the York Rd exit and I looked up just as we were passing our turn. I told Todd he needed to turn around and almost immediately, I could feel the baby bearing down. At some point, I snatched my seat belt off, turned around and squatted in the front seat. Temi started crying to get free, but calmed down after awhile.

I could feel something pushing out of me, not sure what it was, I turned around and sat back down and told Todd we were going to have to call 911 and he was going to have to deliver this baby. "Calm down babe. You're fine. Just focus on breathing. We'll be there in two minutes." "I'm telling you my body is pushing and I don't know how to NOT push."

The pressure went away. Sigh. Okay we're gonna make it. Then it came back, stronger. Yup something is definitely coming out. "Todd!!! We need to pull over NOW!! "Babe just breathe. You are not about to have this baby. Just take a deep breath." The pressure went away. Okay, we're cutting it close but I can do this. Oh sh!t I can feel the baby crowning. A long slew of expletives exploded out of my mouth as I unkindly directed Todd to pull over RIGHT NOW! He kept driving. I pulled down my pants and there was the top of my baby's head. Todd looked over. Pulled the car to the side of the road and the rest of the baby came out in our hands. It was 8:40 a.m.

She was really dark and covered in something. There was no sound. I turned her over and her face was covered. I broke the sac and I heard a little cry and saw her breathing. I immediately lifted my shirt to get her to nurse. She wouldn't but I continued to hold her close and kept trying. Todd called 911 and hopped out the car, grabbed a towel from the trunk and we wrapped her up.

For about 15 seconds, Todd lost it and started punching the steering wheel and screaming. This then sent Tempess into an uncontrollable fit that apparently lasted for the next two hours. Todd composed himself and finished talking to the 911 operator and while simultaneously trying to navigate to the hospital. GPS said we were five minutes from the hospital so Todd set out for our destination. Unfortunately, we were five minutes from the old hospital. We got there and realized we were in the wrong place. Todd pulled to the stop sign, looked up and there was a police car to our right. We both flagged him down. He pulled up on side of us.

T4 - Taija, Todd, Tempess and Tové

"Yeah, I just delivered my baby in my car and I'm trying to get to the hospital but the GPS just sent us to the wrong place." The police officer looked in the car, pulled out his radio and less than five minutes later, we were surrounded. The paramedics cut the umbilical cord, took the baby, then lifted me out of the car. Baby and I rode in the ambulance to the hospital and Todd and Tempess followed.

The paramedics ran tests on me and baby, who's APGAR scores were 8 and 9 and we arrived to a welcoming party at the Family Birthing Center at Elmhurst Memorial Hospital.

"I just knew you were going to have that baby in the car when I got here and you weren't here. I've been pacing back and forth waiting for you guys to get here," my midwife said.

She delivered the placenta, they cleaned off baby and the rest was easy peasy.

God is good!! Or Tové. Tové Pureza Sparkman. It means God is good, pure. And He most definitely is. From conception to delivery, He has watched over and blessed my child. And she now has an awesome birth story to share. And we're local celebrities!

 

Posted with Blogsy

T-Time: Week 39 & 5 Days, 0 Days to Go

Introducing Tové Pureza Sparkman AKA the Elmhurst Car Baby

Story coming soon

T-Time: Week 39, 3 Days to Go

Every now and then, I am reminded of this. And in a few days, I will be blessed with twice the love. It's a beautiful feeling.

T-Time: Week 39, 4 Days to Go

So much for putting clothes up and organizing the closet lol

T-Time: Week 39, 5 Days to Go