Why Can't It Be Easy?

About a month or two ago, Todd and I got into a huge argument, and after we both had calmed down, we tried to restore some normalcy to our relationship and routine. The problem was that the issue that caused the argument in the first place still had not been resolved. We spent the next few weeks avoiding the elephant in the room until it grew so big we could barely fit in the room with it.

I was ready to attack the elephant and reclaim my living space, but Todd wasn't. And then I persuaded him to address it before it reached the point of no return he was. So we sat down and we had a long, overdue discussion about us. Our issues. Our fears. Our doubts. He went first, telling me his biggest issues with the relationship. And I listened, asking permission to speak to make sure I didn't cut him off. I responded to his issues, explaining things that he didn't understand. Then, I went. And he did the same. And throughout the conversation, we both acknowledged where we were wrong and agreed to work on those things that bothered the other. And in those areas where we could see the other person's side, but didn't totally agree that we were wrong or they were right, we did the unthinkable - we came up with a mutually satisfying compromise.

And together, we decided to move forward. The End.

Only, a few days later, I couldn't help but feel like it wasn't the end. It was too easy. We both took the high road and handled the entire conversation with class and maturity and worked together to make sure both of our needs were going to be met moving forward. Yet, somehow I still felt unsettled. Maybe I should have yelled, or put my foot down more. Why did I agree to compromise? He's going to think he can walk all over me now. No, I didn't have a particular issue that I felt I was too easy on him with. I just couldn't believe the conversation went so well. And then, I caught myself. Why can't it be easy? Who says that relationships have to be hard? If we both have the same endgame in mind, why can't we work together to get there? Why does it have to be a Me vs. Him scenario?

I am extremely proud of how we handled a delicate and difficult situation. I hope that we continue to handle future situations like this. I hope that we can continue to grow and mature as individuals and a couple and reach a point where we are teammates and not competitors. We are in this for the long haul, and how much easier and more fun it will be if we are side by side for the journey of parenthood instead of at each other's throats.

So, why can't it be easy? Because it definitely doesn't have to be hard.

Momfessions: What Now

As I write this, I'm sitting in bed with a heating pad on my left shoulder. I'm left-handed and right now it hurts to do anything with my arm. And I just wanna cry.

Cry because I feel damaged.

Cry because my body hurts and aches in places and ways I've never known before.

Cry because I can't seem to catch a break.

Cry because I am incredibly stressed.

Cry because I need an outlet.

Cry because I feel as if I have none.

Cry because I feel all alone.

Cry because my f'n dominant arm f'in hurts all the time.

I just wanna smile. I just wanna be happy. Able to see the good in life. I want to be a positive person. But every time I resolve to be a better person, something happens, and I snap. My tolerance for anything is non-existent. And I hate it. So I cry.

I know things come with the territory of being a parent and I know that in life ish happens. But it seems like the two always team up and screw me over and right now I really need to set the reset button. Life's downs and annoyances and trials and tribulations have beat the life outta me and I haven't had a chance to recharge, resulting in a person I don't particularly like or care for. I have less patience for things out of my control. I'm less tolerant of others and their flaws, especially those closest to me. And my ability to properly assess situations is ridiculously horrible - everything is a big friggin deal.

I need a change, a break. I need a solution. I know this ish ain't cool. But what I don't know is, what now?!?

Bah Humbug

For whatever reason, I really wasn't into Christmas this year, and events leading up to and surrounding Christmas really didn't help my mood. At one point, I decided to sit Christmas out. But thinking about the money we had already spent and certain people that were depending on us, I changed my mind.

I'm glad I did. For me, the whole holiday was still kind of just eh, but my girls enjoyed it. And we were able to bring smiles to some faces. And, that outweighs my grumpiness.

I'm sure next year I'll be in a better mood. I'm already deciding that I'm not going to let anything bring me down. I am going to celebrate with enthusiasm with my family.

It's Not Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas

Christmas Eve is almost over and I just keep thinking that it should feel different. My holidays as an adult are completely different from my holidays as a child. Things were easier, more delightful back then. I wish I could revive those moments.

But really.....

I really wish Vera was still alive. The more I live, the more I recognize the difference she made. And, the more I realize that not only was 17 years not enough with her, but I was also too young to appreciate and make the kinda memories I would love to have to reflect on right now.

I am, however, thankful that I never had to see her in an unfortunate light - in my memories, she was the perfect grandmother. And, I wouldn't change that for the universe. I hope my children get the same opportunity with their grandparents.

In a world that is increasingly evil, hurtful and dangerous, it doesn't hurt to have someone that you see as purely good. As a parent, I have to administer tough love and while I'd love to be their blissful happily ever after, I know more than likely it will be the grandparents that win that title. And I'm ok with that. I believe grandparents are God's gift to children and I truly cherish the bond my children have with their grandparents.

And they are fortunate enough to have three sets.

It's Never too Late for Holiday Cheer

This holiday season just hasn't felt very "holiday-y" at the Sparkman household. I'm not really sure why, but we were last minute with everything, including buying and decorating a tree.

Todd and Tempess went on a last-minute daddy and daughter tree shopping trip. When they got back, she helped him decorate the tree with her ornaments. She was so proud of herself and made sure Mommy, Daddy and Baby all knew "I did that!!"

Now she keeps running to the tree, taking ornaments off so she can put them back on.

And here I was thinking we were a bunch of Scrooges.

Temi Talks: Diffcult

Todd (To Tové): Baby, you're being difficult.
Temi: Ma, Baby diffcult.
Me: Tempess, do you even know what difficult means?
Temi: Yeah.
Me: What does difficult mean?
Temi: (Pauses for a second) Uhhh diffcult!

The Hardest Part of Blogging

I started this blog as a way to keep our family and friends connected to Tempess as she grows. I also thought it would be a great avenue to share my experiences as a new parent. I thought it would be filled with lots of "Oh, Tempess just took her first step."  Or "Isn't she adorable eating her first cracker?"  I thought I'd talk a lot about my lack of sleep or the high price of diapers.

I didn't think my experiences would be so deep and hard to share. I didn't think so many outside forces and people would weigh so heavily on my parenting experience. I'm not talking about the "My mom gave her sugar"  or "Todd's mom spanked her against our wishes" kinda outside forces. I'm talking things I never imagined I'd have to deal with, this ish only happens in books kinda stuff. I guess to be fair some of it, I should've seen coming. But, I guess I wanted to give life and people the benefit of the doubt. I wanted so badly to believe parenting wasn't going to be a bad experience that I chose to look the other way. Pretend I wouldn't have to deal with certain things.

But you can only pretend for so long. And I've exceeded my limits, making it hard for me to smile and pretend everything's okay. And since I've exceeded my limits of pretending, I'm also challenged with how much I share with people and how. People I know read this blog, so if I go into too much detail, certain parties may feel I talked too much about them or their situation. I run the risk of oversharing parts of Todd's and my relationship that we don't want to share with the outside. On the other hand, if I share too little, or I'm too vague, then I run the risk of confusing people. So I shut down and I don't share anything. Sharing nothing is easier than sharing too much or too little.

I also have to admit that another reason I don't blog is because I don't want to be seen as a bad mommy, girlfriend, sister, daughter, person. Yes, I make mistakes, but I have nothing but the best intentions and I only want to do what's best for my family. Unfortunately, that can't be done without upsetting people, even those closest to me. I know everyone isn't going to agree with my parenting choices. But sometimes that's hard to accept. It's one thing for my formula-giving, sugar-loving family to give me a hard time for nursing and limiting Temi's sugar intake. It's another when I have to choose between being perceived as a bad daughter or a bad mother. Or when Todd and I disagree on how to parent in a certain situation and I feel like standing my ground makes me a b!tch, but giving in makes me a horrible mother. These are the parenting experiences that are beyond hard. These are the experiences I need to share to get support and advice.

But these are also the experiences that I probably won't blog about* because they have the ability to hurt those I care about and color how the outside world perceives them and me. And that's why blogging is so hard. Because balancing that line of over and undersharing is very, very delicate.

*I say probably because I may decide one day to share some things. Or I may find a way to blog about it that I feel is appropriate for all parties involved.

Momfessions: Pumping

As much as I love breastfeeding, I hate pumping. With. A. Passion.

As Tové gets older, it's becoming harder and harder to stay committed. I would love to offer her only breastmilk after she's one, but I can't say that I'm not welcoming the opportunity to not have to worry about pumping enough milk.